— And you arrived, so young and with so much lived, I can't help comparing myself. I feel like I'm late to achieve the life I want.—
Enis exploded after a few days of keeping everything to himself.
— Late? How late? You're 25 years old, Enis.— I replied, calm and expectant for what I had just heard.
— I know, but all that I have missed out on living and doing because of problems from the past, traumas and quirks that still haunt me today, feeling that all that time wasted on unimportant things did not make me progress towards the dreams I have now, I am late for that. It’s alright , I have accepted it, there are no more dramas.—
As soon as he finished speaking, I felt the bells of the nearest church, at that precise moment, midnight was reached on the cold and damp streets of Cork. It was mid-January, in the middle of the Irish winter, with gray days and morning drizzles. From the window of the house, you could see a narrow street in the center of the city, where most of the establishments had their emergency back doors, it was completely uninhabited at those hours. The fog was present when it passed over some illuminated "Exit" sign that remained lit all night.
Enis took a sip of decaffeinated coffee, followed by a puff on the hand-rolled tobacco that was resting in the ashtray, and continued with the speech that he had been meditating on throughout my stay.
—Seeing my friends with the same age as me , having gotten a university degree, traveled halfway around the world, with their own businesses and working on what suits them. That's the world we find ourselves in, whoever doesn't run flies and whoever has fallen asleep on the platforms no longer has a place. What a shame to have woken up so late, to be fully aware now and not a few years ago where I was wasting my time.—
The kitchen was a disaster. The table was continually cluttered, the remains of dinner were still there along with a couple of laptops, a pile of books, and a couple of cups. If you looked closely, you could find remnants of incense (or palo santo) on the floor, Enis usually burned a little at night before going to bed.
They say (some expert) that your home is a reflection of your emotional state. When everything is in chaos in the place where you live, you find yourself constantly going against the current. On the other hand, when everything is in order, it is easier to operate. I didn't want to be the first to judge the present situation, but that detail led me to suspect what was eventually confirmed after my arrival. Chaos in all senses.
This time I traveled to the green island of Ireland, where in the south of the country Enis was living, an old friend (she had nothing old about her). Cork was the place chosen by Enis to start a new life, a place to continue in his ongoing struggle to achieve everything he desires, or rather, in the process of knowing it. In that reunion, I found shelter, long nocturnal conversations, and a couple of conclusions.
— I don't know how to get out of this hole... I've tried to change, to leave behind the things that hold me back, but it's like they cling to me, I'm constantly failing , I feel like I'm losing the battle.—
I had seen those eyes before, such gaze resided in me (not so long ago). Those slightly dropped eyes, adorned with an aura of sadness, slightly furrowed eyebrows, and a grimace on the face. The gaze does not focus on anything specific, it's lost, it's trapped in its own head, thinking and rethinking the meaning of anything. That timid look is searching for some words to give meaning to all this, that look is crying out for help.
I thought I was late, but it wasn't so.
— The first thing I would suggest is to stop comparing yourself to me or any other being around you.— I spoke after a while in silence.
— It's objectively impossible to compare yourself to someone. All your experiences, your environment, what has conditioned you, family, friends, past problems and especially the internal wars that are waged in your head. All this is part of you, it's a part of you and it makes you who you are today.—
— It's easy to talk from your position, having things clear makes everything simpler.— Enis.
— To be honest, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm constantly in a myriad of doubts, improvising again without really knowing what I'm doing. I suppose that's the magic of it all, in not knowing what will happen next. Knowing your past and what you do in the present, you can draw lines to try to know your future and even then it will be uncertain.—
The past gives meaning to your present, and your present will give meaning to your future.
— I think your purpose is quite clear. You've come to shed a white light on others. Trotting the planet in search of something, that something is in the process, the process of illuminating others with your writing, your conversations, and your way of seeing the world.— Enis’ words still resound within me to this day.
— I wish it were so idyllic. I want to make you understand that it's never too late for anything. It's never too late to learn a new language, start training again, to be responsible of yourself… —
Create a plan, stick to it, let yourself go in the meantime and smile for the photo. Let’s start with the kitchen.